They're Just Words
It was six years ago.
I was in a tiny little restaurant in London, tucked into a corner, reading through the pages of successful trial lawyer Gerry Spence's book...
"How to Argue & Win Every Time."
It's a great book, incidentally. And it has two sections: arguing professionally, and arguing with friends and family.
Arguing professionally takes up the bulk of the guide. Spence provides techniques on breaking down another person's argument, analytically deconstructing point-by-point... all the stuff that turned him into the brilliant lawyer he is today.
But the second part of the book was the most interesting.
When arguing with family, Spence suggested that the goal should not be to win.
Arguing with someone close to you isn't about winning. It's about restoring that emotional balance.
In such an argument, do you really want to come out and say "HEY! Look at ME! Justice has prevailed! I WON! I'm such a GREAT person that I managed to verbally bash down my loved one!"
In arguments with family, says Spence, the goal is just to be open to the situation -- and, without any of that formal "point-by-point" nonsense, seek to bring balance to your relationship again.
You see...
Words sometimes get in the way.
We argue to balance out our emotions again. We use words to reposition our feelings. We feel bad, so we argue until we believe somebody else sees and accepts our point, then we can feel good again.
As ever, words are the "labels" that are limiting our experience.
So, here's an experiment.
The next time you're in an argument, remember that it's all just WORDS. They're just pointers that help you reposition your feelings.
And knowing that, decide to act ONLY on your actual experience -- how the other person acts -- rather than getting caught up in the verbal story.
I often say: "Don't judge me by what I say I am. Judge me by what I do."
Anyone can talk. Words are cheap. Even these ones.
But actions?
They MEAN something.
And remember: The next time you argue, at least with those you love, you don't have to win to get a successful outcome.
Have a beautiful day! :)
Labels: inspiration, self-development
by Karl
3:43 AM
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3 Comments:
Great post. I always consider this when I am talking to someone.
My point of view is there is what you say and what they hear.
People are influenced by life so they may not translate or define things like you do.
Therefore, it is human nature to misunderstand. Oh well I suppose this is what makes us human.
By
William, at
12:27 PM
real nice writeup about winning arguments alright but then why argue at all unless forced to, i really liked the one in which where you don't have to win by arguing but lose to win
By
Personal Development Reviews, at
2:40 AM
Misunderstandings can hurt, as can poorly chosen words.
These are good pointers.
By
Patti, at
2:27 AM
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